YOUNG AND HOPELESS

​I could’ve been a trophy wife. Of a visually impaired rich guy, maybe, but still, I could have. NOOOOO. Instead, I choose a major that makes me weep over both my future and my present at the same time—- If only I could turn back time and switch majors, who knows?

From wanting to graduate with latin honors to just graduate on time to Lord, I beg you, let me pass this subject. College really screwed me up. I never see any of my high school friends anymore, heck, I barely see my family. I barely go to the malls or the likes and I don’t have time to watch my favourite series and movies because honestly, I’d rather sleep. In other words, I have been denied by my own happiness. 

I never imagined my life to be as dull as this. I never thought that I’d be spending most of my time with books rather than with people. I never thought that failing an exam could send me to my own demise; for I am the type who doesn’t cry over things that easily. This list could go on and on but the point that I’m trying to make is— college changed me.

Everyone else is smart unlike me. I struggle with every topic in our chemistry class. Hell, I can barely keep up. I can’t fail another class. I don’t think I can handle anymore failures! I’ve still got a chance, we haven’t had our final exam…yet.

I need a miracle. 

Just the thought of me failing physical chemistry makes me want to jump off of a cliff. I can’t. I swear if I failed again, I’m committing suicide. I’m so sorry but…

KILL ME BEFORE THIS SEMESTER DOES!!!!!!!!

TO LOVE AND LOSE OR NEVER TO LOVE?

Trust. 

Imagine, how this 5 letter word can gravely affect your relationship with the people around you? It is like the superglue of relationship; forged by memories and experiences for years but can be trampled on for an instant. 

“I have trust issues.”

You might’ve heard someone say this before. Or probably you’ve said it, yourself. I undoubtedly have– not verbally (or maybe I did), as though denying the idea of trusting someone could bring you a happy, worth-living life. 

No one would even bother to question you when you say you have trust issues. It’s like an excuse for a ridiculous and stupid topic about relationship. An easy out. Fail-safe. But it’s a protection from hurt, jealousy or your crazy-ass behaviour. 

But really, of course, I have trust issues. Almost everyone who got left behind, abandoned and those who were unfortunate to experience the excruciating and tormenting pain of a wounded heart. To be clear, I’m not just referring to romantic relationship. There are different kinds of relationship, do I have to enumerate each and one of them? 

The feeling of being in love is wonderful, at the same time, painful. I MEAN, CAN YOU IMAGINE A WORLD WITHOUT LOVE? There’s no point in life without love. It’s plain, lonely, dull and no harmonies. I think life without love is not worth living at all. You might as well just mutilate yourself and let someone else feed your remains to the sharks. We do and decide the things that we want out of love. It had shaped us of who we are today. 

So, to love and lose or never to love, that is the question. 

“We love because He first loved us.” – 1 John 4:19

BENT, NOT BROKEN.

Based on this post title, can you guess what I am about to talk about?

Scoliosis.


Yeah, I just got diagnosed with scoliosis. Way to go, yeey. I almost cried. This isn’t funny— am I being punk’d, right now? Hello? C’mon, come out now. I’m done with jokes. You can stop now?!
And there was silence. 

“This is the reality, kid. There’s no going back” a man whispered to my ear. ***Note: no one really whispered to my ear, I just want to deliver it in a novel-like manner.   
   
Enough. Let’s focus on what really matters—-my scoliosis. When I found out, I almost cried because I know that scoliosis has no known cure yet but you can have therapy and wear braces to prevent further curvature of the spine. I didn’t cry because it can’t be cured I cried for my future adventures. Now that I’ve got problems with my spine there will be things which I’m not allowed to do… and eat. 

Do you know what scared me the most? While I was reading journals and articles about scoliosis, “…the life expectancy of people with scoliosis is decreased by 14 years…” Imagine!??? 14 years! Who’d want that? No one in their right mind would unless you’re a deranged mundane. Personally, I don’t believe it. The abnormality of my spine has no right to limit me on what I can do. It doesn’t matter if my spine is a bit curvy unlike some girls, I’d still live my life the way I wanted it to be…with proper caution.

According to the radiographic report, “Thoracic dextroscoliosis with a Cobb’s angle of 16° and thoracolumbar levoscoliosis with a Cobb’s angle of 11°”.  That’s what it says. At least, there’s something I should still be thankful for, it’s not yet severe.  Instead, I was prescribed with muscle relaxants to ease the pain. I still don’t know if I’ll be wearing a brace or a physical therapy would suffice. Further examination needs to be done. Either way, I’m looking forward to have my spine back in its normal state. 

Never take life for granted. Live healthy and be joyful always.




PS: I am not sure whether I should attached the photos of my x-ray results here. Oh well. I can’t. It’s too personal. Haha.

TIME DILATION

Okay, before anything else I’d like to make it clear that this entry isn’t exactly about Einstein’s theory of relativity. I’m sorry if the title is a wee bit misleading. So, if you have anything that would like to ask regarding time dilation, once again, I’m sorry but you’re on the wrong page. Lol

Seriously, I have no idea how or where to start. I’ve never once uploaded in the internet any of my thoughts. But maybe, it would be better if I share it to everyone (not that it matters anyway, what I write isn’t life changing but, rather, this is my form of venting out my frustrations and disappointments). If you’re reading this, I sincerely thank you for wasting your time in this page. May the forces of the universe be upon you this day and for the future days ahead! Long live and prosper! *vulcan hand sign* 

Graduation is getting nearer, everyone is excited and desperate to graduate on time. Thesis, laboratory works and rigorous exam; the highlights of this semester. To be honest, it’s exhausting and depressing, and the only thing that keeps my sanity intact is through rewatching my beloved Vulcan, Spock. 

As my college life comes to an end, I’ve been asking myself “after I obtained my degree in chemistry, what will I do next?” for almost everyday. I feel like the life I have right now isn’t worth living at all—meaningless and directionless. I am stuck in the same routine just different day. Wake up, go to lectures, do laboratory works, eat, sleep, then, repeat. I am tired of doing the same things over and over again. Why was I born into this world? Is there really a purpose for my existence? Or am I just part of the country’s census? Sadly, my questions remain unanswered.