THE GOOD IN GOODBYES

People come and go.
 

Memories are like footprints in the sand. Here today, gone tomorrow. Maybe that’s the way things should be, not everything in your life is permanent. Everything that has happened in your life were the results of the choices you made—be it good or bad. 

People say that “everything happens for a reason”. How can this be not true? Try it to see it this way, you are in a situation and someone asked you to pick between two pills that look alike—a good and bad pill— and that someone told you which is which, so what would you do? Normally, when someone say that this is the right choice, people would think that it’s just a form of trickery. However, one would also think that “maybe he’s just trying to trick me, but I know better”, so people would go against with what is being offered to them.

That’s the nature of man. We always have doubts and questions about everything. But you know what’s the real flaw with that scenario? That someone matters. Maybe if that person knew someone for years, he would react differently. He would completely trust the words he say. He would think that someone means no harm. This is primarily the reason why people who used to be on top, with just a snapped, hit the rock bottom. All thanks for trusting the wrong person. 

I’ve learned this the hard way. Not everyone you care about, cares about you. They may say that they’ll support you in every decision that you’ll make but, in reality, somewhere deep down in their heart they wish you the worst. Maybe that’s too much. Haha. So, I always tell myself to live independently and to not expect too much from other people to avoid being disappointed.

Yes, I have friends. 

Yes, I hangout with people.

Yes, I enjoy every moments I spend with them.

And yes, I was happy.

Happiness that never really lasts. 

Yes, I am afraid. I am afraid of being too close to someone. I am afraid of being to close because I know, one day, just like everyone else—they’ll leave and what am I left with? A broken heart. 

It’s sad but, let’s face it, that’s just how it is. So, I swore to forget everything and be happy with just myself. 

I used to be that way. I used to think that way, I realised that rather than being a pessimist and thinking badly of the humanity and for doubting every person I meet, maybe they were meant to kept me company for a while, maybe the problem isn’t really them, it’s the way I view things.

It doesn’t matter which pill you’d choose—the good or the bad one—because there’s no such thing as the wrong pill. The thought of something is good or bad to you is just an illusion. There’s no such thing as wrong choice, whichever path you take, you’ll never know if it’s the right one unless you see it yourself. So, take heart and make the path you chose to be the right one. Just like with people, if they left you, do not be discouraged. Not everyone will make it in your future, some people are best left in the past. 

Bring out the best in every situation, doesn’t matter how bad it is. Eventually, something good will come out of it. Do not worry about what tomorrow may bring, and just enjoy every second of every day. 

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He was broken when she met him;

She was broken when he met her.   


He wasn’t anything like James Dean. It wasn’t his looks whom she fell for— it was his broad insights, his intelligence, his passion in what he do, and the way those wrinkles under his eyes appear when he laughs.


She never thought that she’d fall for him too.  She gave her everything, without leaving something for herself, to whom she thought who loved her enough that he’s willing to climb those walls she built.


He got what he wanted. 

He had her at the palm of his hand.  

She was in a state of euphoria;

She loved him. Really loved him.

But nothing really lasts forever. 



Her love story wasn’t anything like those fairytales she read when she was just a child.  


It never ended with a happily ever after;

It ended before it even started.  


 

…..

Have you experience how it felt to feel nothing at all? 

I’ve been having some drastic mood swings these past few days. Happy now, empty the next. Sometimes I wonder if I am still normal. Or maybe this is a delayed effect of puberty? Wait, what? 

I’m just too empty and depressed to write. I sort of feel like my motivation, energy and everything were drained out of my system. Breathing is the only thing constant in my life right now. And I often ask myself, is this life even worth breathing for? (Fact: you can’t possibly die due to holding your breath. You just can’t.)

Listening to loud angry music isn’t enough to keep my mind off of the cliff. I’ve been trying to divert my attention to whatever form of entertainment is available. You might be wondering what’s really bothering me? Would you want me to enumerate all of it? Heh. [Thesis, Inorganic Chemistry, Industrial Chemistry, toxic people and their braggadocio and my future. Well, this is just a fraction of what really bothers me.]

Hmm. I’ll tell you what exactly I’m feeling right now. I’ve been really problematic regarding my life decisions and I often forget the reason why I’m here in the first place. The reason why I study, why I was born and why I’m still alive. You might be thinking, “WHAT?!” But let’s face it, we have to live our life not just because we-can’t-wait-for-this-day-to-be-over. We have to make every hour, minutes and seconds count. 

I once asked my mom and sis regarding the true meaning of life. I told them that everything makes no sense, like you were born in this world to die. And my sister answered me, “then do nothing and die”.

I am just exhausted. Empty. 

Somehow, I’m still lost. 

Somehow, this life has lost its meaning. 

And I’m still trying to find my way back. 

Right now, I can’t wait to graduate and leave the university.  

NEVER ALONE YET LONELY

​I’ve always like the solitude

A disposition free from stress or emotion

Entertaining yourself with a lackadaisical attempt

Putting your thoughts together

Like a jigsaw puzzle scattered in the cosmos.

But I’ve never felt this alone before.

The inexistence of mundane in this capacious room,

Makes me realise that having a companion is good.

Those moments where having a friend is an absolute advantage.











This isn’t a poem. Not even an essay. Seriously, I have no idea what this is. I just want to write this down before I sleep. Guten Nacht!